Park Pet Party!! · 05/05/2009 06:12 PM
Usually I only post the fun and games going on at The Gravity Pub, but hey, seeing TrivB is dead, why not branch out-- especially when it's just such a good thing?
Dig it:
Park Pet Supply is celebrating 10 years of helping keep East Atlanta's pets fat healthy and happy! Victoria and the gang will be throwing down at The Graveyard Tavern. Aw Hell, just read the flyer up there. (if you can't see it in your feed reader, click through, ya jackass!)
If you squint and look really, really hard at the lower right hand corner, you'll see written in tiny, fine print that the emcee for the evening is... me!
So, save the date, mark your calendars, hire the babysitter, take your anti-virals, and join us for a damn good time June 6th at 8pm.
And bring money for the raffle...
Back In Biz and Better Than Ever! · 03/22/2009 05:28 AM
If you've dropped by The Gravity Pub in that past few months and found that the doors have been locked, it was due to some hiccups with the licensing. I am now happy to report that the issues have all been sorted out and as of this weekend, The Grav is back open for your drinking and dining pleasure!
Lesser beings would have packed it in and moved on, taking jobs behind the counter over at the Zippy-Mart, but not the hearty folk of The Gravity. They stuck with it and faced one of the most soul-stealing ordeals that we mere mortals can bear-- dealing with the various and self-important licensing agencies that lord over us under the guise of protecting the voting public.
They navigated through the bullshit with aplomb, but they've gone a few months without being able sell a single income producing Lone Star Beer. So, I implore all my old Trivial Bingo pals and you, yes you, reading this, make The Gravity Pub your fun-time destination some day soon and buy some joy juice. These are dark days here on the Planet Crap-Lanta, so spread a little love. C'mon, you were planning on drinking anyways.
Remember: without Gravity, the Earth just sucks.
Comment [2]
What A Prize It Would Have Been: Mustache Switchblade · 12/17/2008 03:39 AM
The 'Stache is back, babe! Okay, it was back, then it kinda went away. Now it's almost as 'back' as it was a little bit ago, again.
Anyway, if your sprouting a lip monkey for the winter months, you best keep that sucker groomed, 'cause a nasty 'stache is trash and will offer up no help with the ladies. Keeping that nose hair camouflage in good order requires more than that boring 99 cent unbreakable comb in your pocket. Save that for applying the Brylcreem to the hair atop your pointy little head and spring for something with a little more flair. Something like this Switchblade Mustache Comb from the fine folks at Archie McPhee!!
Being that the gang of ballers that populated the booths and stools at The Gravity Pub for TrivB on Tuesdays loved all things knifey, this little grooming tool would've made for one sweet prize! It gets extra prize points because it's just so damned functional on top of being the coolest thing in your pants! Pushing that little button flicks that sucker open and gives you four inches of mustache taming, image enhancing, bar patron impressing bad ass-ness!
Yep. The Switchblade Mustache Comb from Archie McPhee-- The store so cool it needs an affiliate program!
What A Prize It Would Have Been: My Book! · 11/19/2008 11:30 AM
That day you've all dreaded draws nigh. Well, sort of.
I will have a book out in plenty of time for the high-holy gift giving season, in fact I should have a pre-order shopping cart set up by early next week. However, the first issuance from Blasted Bastrd (yes, that's how it's spelled) will not be Dim Views -or- Apparently, I'm An Asshole. Instead, BB01 will be Sucker!
I felt that perhaps my first publishing attempt should be more a 'dipping the toe' into the waters of book mongering, so for Sucker!, I'm piecing together a smaller sampling of the "Why We Suck" columns that appeared in Stomp & Stammer. The selected columns will go through less revision (and scrutiny) than for Dim Views and will exists as something a wee bit bigger than a chapbook. Okay, it'll be nothing like a chapbook.
Because of this decision, the plans for Dim Views include expanding the scope of the book by including more material never read before, or at least read in smaller numbers. Also, fair warning: it will include some of the material from Sucker! I'll be shooting for an early/mid 2009 release.
If all goes as planned (fingers crossed), the un-boxing of the initial shipment of Sucker! should be the first week of December. Although I haven't decided on a final price, I'm expecting that the pre-sale price will be a super cheap $5 plus shipping. The price will most likely double after that, but again, that's just speculation at this point. The book will be considerably more expensive on Amazon, so please buy from me!
Of course those prices are subject to change with my mood. Here are five factors that could cause the price to fluctuate:
- Whether or not I like you
- You buy it from me in person
- You buy it from me in a bar and I need beer money
- You're cute
- You're in the book
If the last one on the list pertains to you, then you can expect a hefty increase. Your best chance at a discount would of course be number 3...
What A Prize It Would Have Been: Remote Control Fart Machine 2 · 11/13/2008 06:06 PM
Sure, when we were doing TrivB at The Gravity Pub we gave away many electronic whoopie cushions, but really, how stealthy could you be with that 3 foot cord attached?
Not very.
However, the technology of practical jokes improves every day and it's too bad that we never had the Remote Control Fart Machine, let alone The Remote Control Fart Machine Mach 2!!
The Mach 2 includes a sweeter, swing out speaker for increased bass response-- critical for that booming, real life farting sound! Quite smaller than your head, it's easily concealed in a multitude of hilarious places/situations. The best part? The wireless remote is capable of unleashing the sound unit's sonic sickness from up to 100 feet away! Even through walls! Take that, you attendees of that closed door meeting!
The Remote Control Fart Machine Mach 2: Because fake fart noises are still funny!
[ via Things You Never Knew Existed ]
Stuff To Do-- The Village Theatre · 11/03/2008 01:46 PM
Entertainment can be hard to find in these dark days. I'm sorry that I can't be there for you on Tuesday nights now that TrivB is on extended hiatus, although The Gravity Pub is still quite entertaining even without all the ball dropping action. But take heart, dear friends, there is Comedy. Sweet, sweet Comedy...
Long, tall Justin Hall-- one of the few and the brave that I let spin the crank and call the balls for me on those nights when my medication wasn't working-- is back in town and is now treading the boards over at the Village Theatre. That's the scrappy, young improv place located over there by Lenny's. They got to running on full steam in October and are ready for your ass to take a seat. That is if you're ready to laugh and laugh hard!
And yes, they do have a bar!
So, check out their site and get down there while it still has that 'new improv theater' smell! And remember; leave the comedy to the professionals...
My Halloween Tale of Terror · 11/01/2008 01:16 PM
Cross posted at Dim Views
The grand concept of the Stomp & Stammer float in the 2008 Little Five Points Halloween Parade was an obscure one-- The Runaways. We're not talking about mopey teenagers who have for whatever imagined or horribly real reason left their homes in search of a life of fame or prostitution. I speak of the band that launched the careers of Joan Jett and Lita Ford. Most folks who are not schooled in more obscure music know Joan; Fewer know Lita, and I won't even risk hurting your brain naming the other members of the band. Sure you may have heard their song "Cherry Bomb" in a few cool movies, but it was thirty years ago that the band toiled away in 'This Business of Music' without ever making star status-- despite the bitchin' hair and rockin' tunes.
Of course, five hotly dressed hot chicks playing the part of the girls in the band, mimicking their stage moves to loudly blasted Runaways tunes in the back of Curt Wells' PA stuffed pickup, totally negated the obscurity factor and the crowd ate it up. As The Girls flailed about, Stomp & Stammer editor Jeff Clark and I limped along (me, literally) beside the "float" handing out candy to the children. In an even more obscure concept we were dressed as the band's managers, with me playing the notoriously pervy one. Most people thought it was just another day for me.
Our faux Runaways were young women ranging in ages from the late teens to early 20s. Women of this generation that generally ignore me because I'm scary looking enough to begin with, but one of the gals, named Measly, was brave, beautiful, and of particularly good humor. We had some fun exchanges and at one point she even let me fondle her buttocks-- strictly in my role as pervy manager, mind you. It was during one of these witty exchanges (I think I was offering to be her bra) that she dropped my Halloween Horror Bomb:
"You're a sexy old man," she said.
The words roared in my ears and clogged my brain. My blood ran cold.
Forget the 'sexy' part because that was eclipsed by the two words that followed. This was the first time any PYT had ever called me an old man. A couple of my friends from my generation that heard the words fell silent, for they too knew the horror. The horror of the day that they fear as well. The day when any compliment comes coupled with the word 'old.' When used in combination with the "O-word," "sexy" might as well be "cute," or "clean."
I died a little inside...
What A Prize It Would Have Been: Bacon Gum! · 10/02/2008 02:05 PM
Yah, I know. Bacon is the new Paris Hilton, or Lindsay Lohan, or Britney Spears upskirt shot. Everybody wants. Everybody wants bacon the same way they want to increase traffic to their website by using keywords like "Amanda Peet," or "hot lesbian monkey love."
Me? I'm not hip, that's why I still think people are searching for pics of Paris Hilton's hinterlands. I know they've moved on. Personally, I'd rather search for pics of Kristin Chenoweth. But I'm not hip.
Wait. We were talking about bacon. Yes, bacon. Sometimes people take their love for something-- or someone-- too far. Such is the sad, strange case of these Bacon Gumballs available from the fine folks at Archie McPhee. This is taking the meme one step too far. I mean, I love bacon and I love gum. Bacon has flavor. Gum has flavor. Gum's flavor fades and gets very, very gross-- a big ball of chewy, flavorless, ick. I don't want my bacon's flavor to fade and get all chewy gross! That would be just sad-- I'd have to take out my weak, flavorless gum and sprinkle it with Bacon Salt. It's just wrong.
Yes, I have to say no. No to bacon gumballs. But... If I were still doing TrivB at The Gravity Pub on Tuesday Nights, I sure as Hell would give bacon gumballs away as a Bingo prize!
Get your Bacon Gumballs at Archie McPhee-- the store so cool they need an affiliate program!
What A Prize It Would Have Been: "The Dude" Talking Key Chain! · 07/29/2008 02:05 AM
"I hate the fucking Eagles, man"
Yah Boy! "The Dude" had that one right!
Sure, The Big Lebowski was a great movie and all, but, truth be told, I really don't get the fanatical dedication that these kids today have for this 10 year old flick. I have this one friend that spouts off quotes from the movie as easily he recites today's specials at the restaurant he serves at. He calls me 'Walter.' When I say something he doesn't like, he says "Fuck You, Walter!"
"Fuck the tournament... Fuck YOU, Walter!"
Of course, when he says, "Tournament," he actually means, "The money I owe you." But, that's another story.
I mean, I liked the movie-- I even bought the DVD-- but I don't go apeshit every time it shows on basic cable. I don't romanticize bowling, despite the fact that I used to have a 180 average back in the days when I used to roll regularly. And although I have peed on a rug or two in my time, The Big Lebowski is not a film that speaks to or for my generation.
Clumsy segue time...
But when I need "The Dude" to speak for me, I reach for "The Dude" Talking Key Chain! This beautiful piece of chatty electronica is brought to you by the fine folks at Archie McPhee-- the internet retail store so good they need an affiliate program! It comes loaded with 6 memorable quotes from the movie voiced by "The Dude" himself, just to up your cred with your nihilist friends! Too bad they're all clean quotes because all the really good ones have naughty words in them, although even "The Stranger" wondered why "The Dude" cussed so much. "The Dude" Talking Key Chain-- because "The Dude" Abides!
Yep, if we were still doing TrivB at The Gravity Pub, this would have made a fine, fine prize!
You Don't Need Me! · 07/22/2008 09:57 PM
I am officially obsolete. If you've been missing TrivB at The Gravity Pub, you don't need me. You don't need me at all. What you need is this Professional Bingo Calling Box! It automatically, randomly, and digitally selects the numbers for play. Of course, it won't play Ray Wylie Hubbard songs for you or tell off-color ball jokes. Nor will it tell you today's Porn Star Birthdays, but then again, it won't get drunk on Lone Star Beer and berate you for your sad attempts at humor/trivia/dressing yourself.
It's sad, I tell you. Next thing you know sex robots are gonna take that job away from me! And what price have the fine folks at Drinkstuff placed on this mechanical marvel designed to put me out to the place where washed up ball droppers go to swap stories of the glory days? 460 American Dollars! Or just about what I got paid for an hour and a half of TrivB. Chump change!
[ Hurry to Drinkstuff for your own Ball Dropper // via DVICE ]
Comment [1]